The most important firearm skill is knowing when not to use your gun. That was the premise for John Riley’s afternoon lecture at the 2026 Attorneys on Retainer Conference, an annual get-together of self-defense lawyers, trainers and other interested parties to discuss the legal and tactical aspects of armed self-defense.
Riley is a former Army infantryman who went on to serve 20 years with the Grand Rapids (Michigan) Police Department. He’s also a certified crisis intervention specialist and the owner of Gentle Response, a law enforcement training company that teaches an evidence-based system for dealing with difficult people grounded in the neuroscience of human behavior and years of Riley’s cop street experience. (The name Gentle Response comes from the Biblical line about how a soft answer turns away wrath.)
Riley’s point is that nearly every shooting could have been avoided, and usually could have been avoided pretty easily, had the parties involved been able to think clearly. For anyone who carries a firearm, he says, the brain between your ears is the most important weapon you have, and the key is learning to control it so it doesn’t get you sued, arrested or killed.
Using Your ACE
Riley broke de-escalation down into three categories, ACE (Appearance, Communication, and Engagement), and the bulk of his class was spent discussing all the ways in which we fail miserably at these three categories.
Your appearance includes your body language and facial expressions. Communication includes tone of voice and word choice. Riley brought up some oft-cited research which posits that communication is 55% body language, 38% tone, and 7% words. Engagement includes things like active listening, reflective listening, etc., and basically boils down to making the other person feel heard, acknowledged, and validated.
The amygdala (aka the threat detection system) is very sensitive to nonverbal aggression, so people that are upset or in crisis are paying attention to your body language, micro-expressions, and tone of voice long before they’ve even processed your words. Crossed arms, eye rolling, squared shoulders, standing over top of people, these things can escalate a situation quicker than any verbal exchanges.
Riley provided lots of specific tactical advice, including:
- Adopt a non-confrontational stance – Stand at a 45 degree angle with a trailing leg (note: this is also the universal ready position for self defense)
- Keep your hands up at chest level so they’re visible and not threatening
- Maintain the “reactionary gap”, stand just outside of arm’s length, because distance equals time, and time equals options
- If the other person moves in, back up a few steps, but don’t keep retreating, because this can trigger a chase/predatory response.
Three Rules You Are Already Breaking
Never talk down to people like they’re children. Never talk to people like they’re stupid. Never talk to people like they should be afraid of you.
Riley delivered these warnings with the self-assured tone of a man who has seen hundreds of encounters go pear-shaped precisely because people forget to abide by them.
Riley also listed a few choice phrases that can quickly escalate a situation. “Calm down” is one of them. “Shut up” is another. Riley pointed out that it’s a mistake to announce that you’re calling the police, as you’ve just set a countdown timer on your assailant’s temper. (A silent panic button or code phrase pre-arranged with a friend would be far more effective.)
Riley’s advice for defusing potentially violent situations? Be empathetic. Show compassion. “I’m sorry you’re going through this,” Riley suggests.
It’s a tough thing to say with conviction when confronted by someone who may well deserve the exact opposite. But Riley’s point is that de-escalation isn’t about what they deserve. It’s about results. And being kind and showing respect to someone who is upset is almost always likely to reduce violence.
Let Them Vent, Then Walk Away
It doesn’t matter if you’re a police officer or a member of the armed citizenry. Every shooting that’s de-escalated never happened. And every ego battle you give up can mean not having to explain your actions to a jury.
One of the simplest de-escalation techniques Riley taught is to allow the person to yell it out. A lot of people who are aggressive, rude and loud are simply working off of excess energy. Let it go. Do not interrupt. Do not respond. Do not talk back or over them. Stand quietly, make eye contact and let it happen. Riley says that this under-utilized tactic can de-escalate a situation quicker than almost any other.
And his second favorite tactic? Walk away. There’s nothing you are contractually obligated to do when being agitated at by a rude person. Walk away. Riley said that he believes 99 percent of all of the nasty videos we see could have been de-escalated had either party walked away.
In his closing words, Riley reminded us of what he heard throughout the conference:
The best self-defense case is the one that doesn’t happen.
De-escalation Has Its Limits
De-escalation is not a panacea and there are situations in which it’s not likely to be effective, Riley said. He cited as examples highly intoxicated people and people having a significant mental-health episode, who may be physically incapable of responding to empathy or reason. Knowing this is key, he said, and it’s important not to escalate if attempts at de-escalation are not effective.
People with an agenda, such as certain kinds of protesters and agitators, for example, can also be challenging, because talking to them is their goal. Riley said the best response is the most counterintuitive: disengage completely.
Given how ubiquitous cell phones are these days, Riley suggested assuming you’re being recorded at all times and acting accordingly. And if you want to record an incident to protect yourself, he advised keeping your phone at your side instead of pointing it at the other person, an antagonistic move in its own right. In any subsequent legal proceeding, it’s the audio that’s likely to be of greatest importance, he said.
Cautionary Tales – From Hero to Zero
Riley also cited a 2023 incident in which a homeowner shot a lost DoorDash delivery driver as an example of the tragic consequences of a failure to de-escalate. In this situation, instead of properly assessing the situation, the homeowner allowed himself to become so agitated and worked up that he felt threatened by the confused delivery driver.
Another example Riley cited involved a convenience store clerk who got into an altercation with a customer regarding store policy. Instead of maintaining control of the situation, the clerk allowed his wounded ego to cause him to lunge at and strike the customer. In Riley’s words, the clerk went from hero to zero because he couldn’t control his ego. Instead of being the sympathetic employee just trying to follow store policy, he ended up as the aggressor and criminal defendant in the situation.
Riley also cited a more positive example of successful de-escalation from a fellow member of the conference’s church security team, Tony. In his story, Riley described how a man wearing a provocative hat and who is on the autism spectrum approached Tony. Instead of reacting with anger or offense, Tony was able to use a warm and humorous response to not only de-escalate the situation but end up making a friend in the process. In Riley’s opinion, this is the gold standard of de-escalation.
Final Thoughts
In a world where we focus so much on tactics and legal training it’s refreshing to hear someone like Riley who reminds us that perhaps the most valuable skill we can learn as armed citizens is the oldest: self-control. Every encounter we don’t control could very well be the one that sends us to the grave, a prison cell, or the defendant’s table.
Riley’s Gentle Response technique isn’t about being a doormat or giving up our right to defend ourselves. It’s about learning to control our actions, de-escalate situations that aren’t really threats, and leave when our egos are the only things in danger. In self-defense, that could be the most valuable tool we own… even more valuable than what’s in our holsters.
Check out what other trainings Riley offers through Gentle Response at gentle-response.com
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